Why We Keep Secrets: Psychological Insights on Secrecy, Trust, and Relationships with Michael Slepien

In this Speaking of Psychology episode host Kim Mills speaks with Dr. Michael Slepien about why people keep secrets, the emotional weight secrecy can carry, and how sharing secrets can affect trust and closeness in relationships. Drawing on Slepien's research, the episode reveals that people typically carry about 13 secrets at any given time, five of which they have never told anyone, and it distinguishes between private information and secrets that are intentionally hidden. The discussion highlights the difference between guilt and shame, the potential health and well being costs of living with a secret, and practical paths to relief such as leveraging third party perspectives, journaling with caution, and seeking therapy when appropriate.

• 13 secrets on average, five untold
• Secret vs private information: intent to conceal distinguishes a secret
• Shame related secrets are most harmful to well being
• Sharing secrets can strengthen trust; third party input can help

Overview and context

The podcast features host Kim Mills and psychologist Dr. Michael Slepien, Columbia Business School, who studies secrecy and its ties to trust and motivation. Slepien's forthcoming book, the Secret Life of How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well Being, Relationships and Who We Are, is highlighted as part of the discussion. The conversation centers on why people keep secrets, how secrecy emerges in everyday life, and how people decide whom to trust with private information. The host introduces a striking finding from Slepien's research: the average person harbors 13 secrets at any moment, with five of those secrets not disclosed to anyone. The categories used to capture what people keep secret are reported to be comprehensive, with 38 categories identified and 92% of open ended responses fitting one of these categories. The podcast also addresses how people distinguish secrets from private information, noting that privacy concerns personal information that is not widely broadcast, while a secret involves an intention for others not to learn the information.

What counts as a secret and why people keep them

Secrecy is defined not merely as private information but as information kept hidden with the intention that others will not learn it. The host and guest discuss how common secrets cluster around lies, romantic interest outside of a relationship, financial matters, and sexual topics. The conversation distinguishes between private preferences or information and secrets kept on purpose, underscoring how the decision to reveal or conceal can shape relationships and personal identity. The discussion also touches on gray areas between private information and secret status, noting that some topics (money, sex) are often private rather than secret because they are not frequently discussed, even if they are not actively concealed as secrets.

Lies, secrets and the psychology of deception

The guest clarifies that lying is one possible method of maintaining a secret, but not the only method. Secrets can be protected without intentional falsehoods, and lying is just one intersection of secrecy with falsehood. The podcast uses examples such as media portrayals and everyday situations to illustrate how secrets and deception relate but remain distinct constructs. This distinction helps explain why people may feel burdened by secrets even when they are not actively lying, and why some secrets persist despite honest communication in other domains of life.

Costs of secrecy for well being

A central theme is that the real problem with secrecy is not simply the act of hiding but living with the secret in one’s own mind. The host and guest discuss how secrets tend to return to mind, producing rumination and affecting well being. They compare two emotional responses: guilt, which acknowledges a bad thing done, and shame, which implies one is a bad person. The research suggests that secrets tied to shame are especially costly for well being because they trigger persistent mental repetition and self-judgment, whereas secrets tied to guilt may be somewhat more reparable if addressed. The discussion also notes that linking secrecy to health outcomes is nuanced and requires careful interpretation; the main driver of lower well being tends to be the ongoing cognitive burden and social dynamics around concealment rather than the mere hiding itself.

Secrets, health, and trust in relationships

In exploring health implications, the podcast discusses a well known 1990s study related to concealment of sexual orientation among people with AIDS, indicating that concealment could be associated with disease progression and mortality. The takeaway emphasizes that the harm is less about concealment in itself and more about the inability to be authentic, to receive support, and to feel accepted. The guest also considers the dynamics of keeping a secret for someone else, which can be burdensome if it affects overlapping social networks, but can also be seen as an act of intimacy by those confided in. The podcast notes that partner awareness is particularly salient: when romantic partners avoid certain topics or questions, the partner may feel excluded from the other person’s life, contributing to relationship strain.

Paths to relief and practical guidance

The host and guest offer practical guidance for those living with unwelcome secrets. They suggest talking to a third party to gain an outside perspective, which can help break the stalemate of self monitoring. Journaling can be helpful when used to gain perspective but can backfire if it becomes a record of rumination rather than a structured process for reflection. The discussion also covers the role of therapy as a meaningful ingredient in healing; therapy provides a safe space to unburden and process emotions, while other supportive conversations with trusted individuals can also be beneficial, particularly when the response is constructive and nonjudgmental.

Public art projects and other modes of disclosure

At one point the conversation touches on a public art project that invited anonymous secret sharing via a public phone, illustrating how anonymous channels can offer a nonjudgmental outlet and reduce the pressure to reveal secrets to close others. The guest cautions that journaling is not universally beneficial and should be used to facilitate perspective taking rather than to dwell on past events. He emphasizes that expressing one’s feelings in conversation or therapy can help reframe the secret as a problem to be solved with support rather than a hidden stigma. The discussion also covers considerations for people whose careers require them to keep secrets, including spies and journalists, and how the burden may differ when secrecy persists in professional contexts.

Personal story: family secret and its impact

The host presents a personal anecdote from Slepien about discovering a family secret: his father revealed that he was not biologically related to Slepien, a secret kept by his parents for generations. The reveal occurred after a day of job interviews, illustrating the paradox that secrecy can be maintained institutionally yet still intrude into personal identity when discovered. The story helps illuminate the core argument that the burden of secrecy may predate its concealment and that the mental load arises from feeling uncertain about one’s origins and place in a family system. The episode uses this example to underscore why researchers argue for defining secrecy as a deliberate concealment with implications for mental health and relationships.

Future directions and concluding reflections

Looking ahead, the podcast highlights ongoing work to refine the taxonomy of secrets beyond the 38 categories to identify key dimensions. The research aims to classify secrets along three main dimensions: moral, relational, and goal directed aspects, which may help predict how different secrets impact well being and relationships. The discussion concludes with a reminder that seeking third party perspectives, fostering open communication, and choosing appropriate confidants are practical steps listeners can consider to mitigate the burden of secrets and improve relationship quality. The guest’s personal narrative reinforces the move toward a more nuanced understanding of secrecy as a social and psychological phenomenon that shapes how people live, love, and pursue well being in daily life.