How to Feel Loved: Five Mindsets for Deeper Connection in Relationships

In this episode, host Kim Mills speaks with Dr. Harry Reis about feeling loved, how it differs from being loved, and why it matters for mental and physical health. Reis outlines five mindsets that help people feel more seen and cared for in everyday relationships, with actionable tips for conversations at home, work, and beyond.

Overview

The episode centers on a broad, inclusive definition of love, one that extends beyond romance to consider caring, connection, warmth, and being seen in any close relationship. Reis emphasizes the crucial distinction between being loved (what others express about you) and feeling loved (the internal experience of being understood and valued). He outlines research findings linking feeling loved to better mental and physical health, including the loneliness epidemic and disease risk, and notes that people who do not feel loved tend to experience poorer wellbeing and even shorter lifespans.

Understanding Love in Daily Life

Love is framed as a multifaceted phenomenon that can arise in romantic partnerships, families, friendships, and workplaces. The conversation underscores how feeling loved requires acknowledgment of the whole person, including flaws and vulnerabilities, not only strengths and achievements. Misconceptions can make people feel less loved, so Reis argues for authentic self-disclosure and reciprocity as core components of feeling valued and understood.

The Five Mindsets to Feel Loved

Reis and Sonia Lyubomirsky propose five mindsets that foster feelings of love and connection. The first is Listen to Learn, a practice of truly listening to the other person as if to be quizzed tomorrow, which helps create genuine curiosity and understanding. The second mindset, Radical Curiosity, involves energetic and sincere interest in what makes the other person tick. The third mindset, Open Heart, combines interest with caring concern for the other person’s well being, leveraging reciprocity in social exchanges. The fourth mindset, Open Sharing, encourages open, authentic self-disclosure about one’s own experiences, thoughts, and vulnerabilities rather than only talking about surface topics. The fifth mindset is described as a complement to these practices, focusing on reciprocity and mutual responsiveness to sustain the back-and-forth of feeling valued. Together, these mindsets help move relationships toward deeper connection without requiring a fundamental change in one’s core identity.

How to Start Practicing

The book presents the Listen to Learn mindset as the most controllable starting point. Reis suggests going into the next conversation with genuine curiosity, asking the other person about their experiences and preferences rather than leading with one’s own strengths. He acknowledges that adopting these behaviors may feel foreign in a culture that prizes self-promotion, but reframes them as behavioral shifts rather than changes to personality. The approach is presented as an experiment: try asking questions like “Tell me more about what that meal felt like” and observe how the other person responds.

On Dating, Online Profiles, and Misconceptions

Reis points out that many people fall into counterproductive strategies, such as curating an image that highlights strengths while hiding vulnerabilities. He notes that online dating profiles tend to emphasize achievements, which can hinder the mutual recognition that fuels feeling loved. The emphasis remains on being seen as a total person, warts and all, rather than a curated set of talents.

Love and Work

The discussion expands beyond personal relationships to the workplace, where people also seek appreciation, value, and concern for their well-being. Reis cites examples from sports and other professions to illustrate how teams can cultivate a sense of being valued and understood, which in turn supports performance and satisfaction.

AI and Relationships

Addressing the question of artificial intelligence, Reis argues that chatbots can provide immediate social feedback that mitigates loneliness, but they cannot deliver genuine love because they have not formed a voluntary, mutual commitment. He uses a nutritious meal versus candy analogy to distinguish between superficial comfort and a real, sustaining relationship. Looking further ahead, he acknowledges that if androids eventually approach true sentience and emotion, the conversation about love and connection could change, though that remains speculative for today.

Current Research and Future Directions

Reis is currently focusing on listening as a core mechanism of connection, aiming to deconstruct listening into actionable components beyond generic advice like eye contact or polite nodding. He emphasizes that listening is about connecting with another person at a deep level, which may require cultural shifts away from a broadcast of individual achievements toward genuine curiosity about others. The interview closes with a note on continuing research and practical tools to foster trust and understanding in relationships, both personal and professional.

Conclusion

The episode offers a science-informed framework for feeling more loved through everyday interactions, anchored in practical mindsets and reciprocal behavior. It invites listeners to experiment with listening, curiosity, openness, and vulnerability as ways to strengthen relationships and well-being.